


Bungo the Majestic

by verily



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-30 00:36:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verily/pseuds/verily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo learns the names of his company's ponies. This should have been a harmless exercise, but dwarves do not do things by halves.</p>
<p>(Fill for the Hobbit Kink meme. No kink involved. Just lots and lots of innuendo.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bungo the Majestic

"Say, Mr. Bofur?" Bilbo asked, breaking the silence that had settled over the company. Thorin's Company had been traveling on horseback for hours now, the outskirts of Bree slowly revealing themselves on the horizon.

Bofur looked up from where he had been drowsing on his horse. "Aye, Mr. Baggins?" A grin slowly formed on his lips. "And just Bofur," he reminded.

"Bofur, I've been wondering something. And I'm hoping you have the answer. This has been plaguing me since the Shire after all and it didn't seem quite right not to know and well you ought to know, so..." Bilbo started to ramble. This adventuring business was really flustering him.

"Aye, go on. What is it you'd like to know?" Bofur prodded patiently.

"What is my pony's name? It doesn't seem right to be riding him for hours and not know it."

Bofur laughed, looked at the pony, and then laughed uproariously again. He wiped a tear from his eye. By this time, nearly everyone had turned around to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Bilbo huffed indignantly. The question wasn't meant to be funny.

"Well, Mr. Baggins, first thing you must know... You're riding a _lass_ , not a lad." Bofur corrected. From behind them, the two insufferable dwarves that had started the plate throwing business in Bilbo's home had started snickering. Bilbo's right eye twitched.

"Oh, I see..." Bilbo patted his pony's neck in apology. "And just Bilbo."

Bofur smiled. "Bilbo. And the name of the lovely lass you ride is Myrtle."

"Myrtle," Bilbo echoed. "That's a fine name for a pony. Like something a hobbit would choose."

"We're not ones for fancy names ourselves. Giving them grand names that no proper person would call himself is something Elves do, so I hear." A few dwarves grunted and tutted in agreement. "My own fair steed is named Minty. Rather fond of eating wild peppermint in the fields, if'n I remember the story from the stablemaster right."

"That's a good name as well." Bilbo said.

"My pony is named Chomper!" the darker-haired of the two young terrors shouted without preamble from the back.

Naturally, his blond brother felt the need to reply, "And mine is named Snowdrop, for her lovely coat." Bilbo thought he sounded unnecessarily smug.

"Mine's Daisy!" the polite young one chirped from ahead. Ori, if Bilbo remembered correctly.

"Lucky," Ori's equally polite brother Dori added.

"Prancer," said the star-haired one that Bilbo was fairly certain had stolen one of his mother's silver teacups. Bilbo hadn't quite worked up the courage to accuse him of that yet.

Poor Bifur hooted something and stroked at his pony's mane. Bilbo nodded at him cordially, as he didn't know how to respond to that. Bifur and Bofur's other family member fortunately translated, "My cousin's pony is named Petunia. And my own is called Biscuit." Bilbo needed no guesses as to why Bombur chose that one.

In rapid fashion, the tattooed one (Basil), the deaf one (Sooty), and the deaf one's red-headed and loud brother (Trinket) called out their pony's names as if annoyed by the whole conversation. 

"My pony's name is Prudence. Quite a pleasant name, I think." Balin said kindly to Bilbo in response, so unlike his brother's gruff answer.

Bilbo smiled at the older dwarf and then glanced towards Thorin. The dwarf appeared to be completely disinterested in the entire conversation, stiffly riding a few lengths ahead of the party.

As if sensing Bilbo's discomfort, Gandalf pulled his pipe from his lips and blew a galloping horse of smoke towards the woods. "My horse's name is Elanor, a gift from a dear friend of mine. And no, Master Bofur, not all elves give their horses names that they themselves would not wear." To his left, Bilbo saw Bofur wilt a little at being corrected by the old wizard. But Gandalf's eyes twinkled a little bit as he added, "Though there are some that unfortunately do."

Thorin remained grimly silent. 

Bilbo resigned himself to the fact that Thorin would not deign to join in. He supposed that a little mystery wouldn't hurt, and Bofur seemed easy enough to extract information from anyway. Just...at a later time when he was certain to be out of earshot from their leader.

"Thorin's pony is named Bungo!" called one of the obnoxious brothers from the back, as if reading Bilbo's mind.

What? Bilbo rubbed at his ear and turned towards the dwarf. "I beg pardon. I don't believe I heard that clearly." Surely, the horse did _not_ share the same name as his father!

"Bungo! They'll be telling tales of Thorin and his steed some day," the dark-haired one shouted again.

"Aye! They'll all be saying how the great Thorin Oakenshield furiously mounted Bungo atop the hills of the Ered Luin," the blond one replied.

Bilbo held up a finger and started to open his mouth.

"And how he rode Bungo looong and haaard until Erebor was ours again." The dark-haired one pumped his fists with emphasis. 

"I. I say..." Bilbo stuttered.

Thorin turned towards Bilbo and swung his hair back from his face. As if on cue, the pony majestically swung his mane back from his face as well. "Yes, I expect there will be tales some day in Erebor. Bungo, ridden for days till he was hot and wet. My companions mounted beside me. Charging the mountain, charging Smaug, crying forth as one, singular beasts composed of two backs," he said intensely.

Bilbo paled and tried unsuccessfully to interject.

"I can hear the song now..." Bofur said in awe. And so, of course, he had to sing it.

"Was a cold, cold day in the Ered Luin,  
A day we'll forever regard.  
Thorin mounted Bungo astride that day.  
And he rode Bungo long and hard."

The rest of the dwarves naturally felt the need to join in on the chorus. Bilbo had no idea how dwarves just knew the words to songs that were clearly just made up on the spot. Stupid dwarves...

"He rode Bungo long and hard.  
Yes, he rode Bungo long and hard."

"T'was a long journey for us to ride.  
But Thorin would not stop.  
["Oh, please stop." Bilbo muttered. Gandalf was looking quite gleeful at this point and Bilbo knew that bastard had met his father once!]  
To save our home, EREBOR!  
He'd take Bungo till he dropped."

The dwarves chanted:

"Yes, he'd take Bungo till he dropped.  
No, never would he stop!"

["Stop for the love of all that is pure." Bilbo grumbled.]

"But a dragon is very tough,  
And Thorin would need friends.  
At the Shire a burglar would be sought,  
Soon Thorin mounted Bungo at Bag End."

[No, just...no! Bilbo thought with increased agitation.]

The damned dwarves chanted:  
"Soon Thorin rode Bungo from Bag End.  
He rode him hard in the end."

Bilbo couldn't take it any more. "Stop that singing! Stop it! Stop it! Just stop!" He shouted at the top of his lungs.

"The song wasn't that bad, was it? I was sorta making it up on the fly." Bofur pulled uneasily at his braids.

"Bungo is my father's name! Bungo is NOT a horse's name! It is not, not for horses. No, sir. Not for horses." Bilbo shook his head sharply and made a swiping motion with his hands, as if laying down a final verdict on the matter.

"Well, I think your father would be very honored indeed to have his name immortalized so. He should be proud to know how I majestically rode his namesake for the welfare of our people." Thorin whipped his hair back from his face again and imperiously turned to face forward towards Bree, as if nothing at all had just happened.

Bilbo's right eye twitched again. These dwarves would be the end of him, he was sure. Damn Gandalf and his adventures.

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt: "Anybody notice how one of the ponies are named Bungo. Bilbo's dad was Bungo Baggins. Can I please get Bilbo's reaction to Bungo the name (him being "Bungo is not a horse name!" etc, etc. Maybe Bungo the pony is Bungo the hobbit reincarnated, and is fretting at his son's sudden lapse into Tookishness?) Just something?"
> 
> As someone whose first name is also an extremely popular cat name, filling this prompt was cathartic.
> 
> I couldn't find names for the ponies other than Bungo, Daisy, Minty, and Myrtle, so the rest of them are entirely made up. Gandalf didn't have Shadowfax yet; Elanor is the name of a flower from a very particular region of Middle Earth. *wink wink*
> 
> The song is based on the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme. I'm going to a special kind of hell.


End file.
